my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
