So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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