when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
