I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
