I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
