Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
