atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
