I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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