shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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