You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
