I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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