You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
