I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
being pregnant is like rehab
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
