So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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