Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
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Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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