he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
