you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
they're like a gay fantastic four
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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