I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
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Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
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I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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