Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
