Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
