I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I love having hate sex.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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