I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
