I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
