the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
