How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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