saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
