She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
