If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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