I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
