Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
