Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
