After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
