Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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