i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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