You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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