Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
