a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
