Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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