Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Randomize
