He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
