I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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