my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
