two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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