He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
