Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
