worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
