yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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