My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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