hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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