My Higher Power is John Stamos
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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