He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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