I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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