Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
