my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
